Special vigil Mon, Oct 11: National Coming Out Day, Napa

I am sure many of you have heard of the tragic loss of at least 6 youth around the country during the final weeks of September due to anti-gay bullying. The youngest youth was ELEVEN years old.

It is time we got together as a community and demanded that this kind of hate and harassment stop. It is time we got together as Napans to show our community--and especially those youth who feel the most pain and isolation--that they are not alone and that they are loved.

The Unity League contacted me about helping to get something happening for National Coming Out Day.
VOICES Q*Youth will be attending and helping, but this is a side project and event of the Napa community and is for everyone: straight as an arrow, queer as a 3-dollar bill and everyone in between--butches, femmes, trans, genderqueer and vanilla as icecream.

It'd be great to have you all (and your friends, family, colleagues) show up and show our youth support. Do you think we could get a ton of people together at Veteran's Park downtown (next to Downtown Joe's) on Monday at 6:30p? It would be to honor the memory of the youth who committed suicide due to anti-gay bullying and to show any other queer/questioning members of our community that they are not alone.

It would be a brief and informal "ceremony", but would be a powerful message to youth who feel hopeless.

They will only hear our message if we show up. How can we get a ton of people downtown w/ candles so our presence of love and support can be powerful?

The Facebook event page can be found here.

Ricky Martin comes out

There were many who have been saying this has been overdue for a long time. Ricky Martin himself claims that today is when it was meant to happen:

"Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment. These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn't even know existed. What will happen from now on? It doesn't matter. I can only focus on what's happening to me in this moment...

...Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution. I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am."

Whether or not you agree with his timing, he seems very thoughtful, well spoken and responsible about his sexuality and celebrity. I wish him congratulations on this step in his life's journey. Read Ricky Martin's full "coming out" post, here.

Like him? Love him? Dislike him? Thoughts on his coming out and years of speculation? Favorite photos? (wink) Use the comments.

"Straightlaced" screening comes to Santa Rosa this Thurs, Nov 19

This Thursday the Rialto theater is hosting a benefit for the Face to Face Sonoma County AIDS Network, a screening of the film "Straightlaced: How Gender's Got Us All Tied Up", an award winning documentary that "unearths how popular pressures around gender and sexuality are confining American teens":

From girls confronting media messages about culture and body image to boys who are sexually active just to prove they aren’t gay, this fascinating array of students opens up with brave, intimate honesty about the toll that deeply held stereotypes and rigid gender policing have on all our lives.

WHEN:
Thursday, November 19, 2009
7:15-9:00pm

WHERE:
Rialto Cinemas Lakeside
551 Summerfield Road
Santa Rosa, CA 95405

TICKETS:
$10 for adults, $7 for seniors/students
Please call Rialto Cinemas at 707-525-4840 or visit Rialto Cinema's website.

Here's the trailer.

Coming Out Stories: Dan

Conversations from the Heart is the theme of this National Coming Out Day (today, Sunday, October 11) and I hope that these stories, from local friends of the Fruit, help heal, help open up hearts and minds and help us feel a little more connected. I'll be sharing stories all weekend. A special thanks goes to those who took the time to contribute. I know that people stay in the closet or come out for a variety of reasons and a variety of ways and I believe it's important to honor people's decisions about when they are truly ready. This blog has a policy of not outing anyone unless they say it's okay. That being said, it is important we tell our stories and let those who matter to us know and see our true selves.

If you haven't already, take a minute to also read over and enjoy Marie and Christian's stories, which I have posted over the last couple of days. Today's post, by Dan, is part three in the series. Once you've read up, take a minute and share your story.


photo by J Heffner

For me, coming out is an ongoing, continual process, rather than a one time event. It has been painful at times, has had both good and bad outcomes, but has also resulted in relationships that would not have been possible otherwise including the very best and most fulfilling ones. While there are many stories I could tell, perhaps the most important and most difficult one, was coming out to myself.

Looking back, I think I realized by the age of 5 that my interest and bonding with boys was stronger than it was for most of my friends. But growing up in the 50's and 60's when being gay was still officially a mental disorder, and illegal in most states, there were no positive, openly gay role models. No one ever talked about being gay except in terms of extreme condemnation, but you rarely even heard that, except from other kids who used "fag" or "queer" as terms of derision and control. So we knew there were "queers", but we didn't know of any adults who were. Any gay people who had not fled to a big city and had remained in my small community were in the closet. There were suspicions, but even Liberace was married after all, and Rock Hudson was a ladies man. There were a few vague stereotypical characters in movies or plays, but they were never openly gay, and always presented as ineffectual at best, and usually worse. While the Mattachine society and other organizations had formed, their existence was largely unknown in small towns in the Midwest and if any adults did know, they were not saying anything. I had heard all of my friends join in the peer pressure fueled disparagement of anything and anyone "queer", so I knew it was not safe to tell anyone how I really felt about them or anyone else. Circle jerks were allowed, but no touching, and no expressions of affection other than hitting or wrestling. I did a lot of wrestling. But I stayed in the closet throughout high school. For better or worse, I was able to appear straight enough to pass and was good enough at wrestling that no one wanted to mess with me. The Stonewall riots happened the year I graduated, but there was little mention in the news, and it still was not something polite people talked about, so any information on it was hard to find in those pre-internet days.

By the time I got to college, my denial system was well polished. I had dated girls and gone through all the motions, including having sex, so I continued trying to act straight, hoping that I would make the switch, but I sometimes had to fantasize about guys to make it successful. I knew I was faking it, but didn't know what else to do. My first two years of college were at a small school, so still no role models. I joined a fraternity, and loved it. It was the first time I had permission from society to love another guy and let him know it. Still no sex of course, but lots of hugging and even some overnight cuddling. But that didn't help my denial system and I began to realize I wasn't going to grow out of my attraction to guys and switch to girls. I had tried, and continued to try, but it wasn't working and my emotional as well as physical attraction for guys only became more clear and undeniable.

I transferred to a larger school and changed my major to Psychology. While homosexuality was still officially a disorder, at least I could start to find out about it, and fortunately, none of my professors were openly homophobic. But without the support of my fraternity brothers, and without that outlet, and as I was getting older as well, what was left of my denial system started falling apart. Over the course of the next 2 years, I could no longer believe I might change, and yet still could not accept being gay. I started to believe my only way out was to end it all. There was a railroad bridge next to campus that seemed high enough, and I spent many late night hours sitting there with my feet hanging over the edge, thinking about jumping off. Eventually, I decided it might not be high enough, and I could end up paralyzed, and that life really could be worse after all. I also remembered that I had experienced some wonderful relationships in the past, and that if I stuck around, there might be the possibility that there could be some more in the future. But if I killed myself, there would be no possibility of good times in the future. So I decided I needed to talk to someone about it, and if they told me I was sick and should go kill myself, I could always do it later. I signed up for counseling, but couldn't bring myself to utter the words during an entire semester of therapy.

The next year, I took a class in human sexual capacity, which was the first year for such a course at the University. As you might guess, there were a lot of people who signed up for it even though it wasn't an entry level class, so it was held in a lecture hall. While homosexuality was still officially a disorder, the evidence was clear by then that it wasn't and this professor was one who was already saying so publicly. He had a couple of gay students address the class, and for the first time, I was exposed to two openly gay people.
So with a straight psychologist teaching a large class that being gay is really a normal expression of human sexuality, and actually seeing a couple of gay guys stand up in front of that class and not get mobbed and lynched, I was finally able to tell my therapist that I "thought I might be gay" (I knew of course, but that was as close as I could get to actually admitting it to another person) He didn't run out of the room, as in my fantasy of what might happen, but was a bit taken aback and at first, suggested I might be confused and had me do a role play exercise. After the exercise, he was convinced I was not confused. Various options were discussed, including electric shock aversion therapy. I suggested he contact my human sexuality professor, and after consulting with other therapists including my sexuality class professor, he suggested I try to learn to live with it rather than change it. So we started working on that. That eventually included telling others of course. I was very careful who I told at first, but word tends to get around, especially in small communities.

As time goes on, coming out and being out gets easier for me, but that is due to more than just having had practice. Society in general is becoming more accepting. Officially, being gay is no longer considered an illness or a crime in our country, and more and more people are accepting that reality. It continues to be more safe for gay people to be open in other parts of the world as well, and while hate crimes still happen, they are less accepted by society and more likely to be punished as we move forward. We now have legal protections in many places which also makes being out less dangerous to our financial as well as physical survival.

Coming out was impossible for me for a long time, but once I finally did, it resulted in some wonderful and invaluable relationships. At other times, it has cost me friendships, jobs, and other abuse including verbal, emotional, spiritual and even physical abuse. But the good times have made it worth putting up with the bad. The railroad bridge quit being an option a long time ago, and I'm glad I decided to come out instead of jump off.

Coming Out Stories: Christian

Conversations from the Heart is the theme of this National Coming Out Day (this Sunday, October 11) and I hope that these stories, from local friends of the Fruit, help heal, help open up hearts and minds and help us feel a little more connected. I'll be sharing stories all weekend. A special thanks goes to those who took the time to contribute. I know that people stay in the closet or come out for a variety of reasons and a variety of ways and I believe it's important to honor people's decisions about when they are truly ready. This blog has a policy of not outing anyone unless they say it's okay. That being said, it is important we tell our stories and let those who matter to us know and see our true selves.

We heard from Marie yesterday, so here's Christian, part 2 in the series:


photo by stuant63

I grew up in Healdsburg, Ca, a pretty small town. I grew up a little differently than most kids, a child of divorce and my mom was working double shifts in restaurants and bars, trying to provide for us and keep us in the lifestyle we knew before. So i grew up with nannies some from Sweden, Spain, Germany, japan and some from California. I was exposed to a lot of different kinds of music and books it was amazing. I knew from a very young age i was gay or at least different. I was never interested in girls except as best friends. When i saw the movie titanic i was pissed at Kate Winslet for letting Leonardo DiCaprio drown. I started getting the hint i wasn't into girls. I never really felt the need to come out to friends or family i always felt like it was unfair that society makes you feel like you HAVE to. Do straight people have to come out as straight to me? it still confuses me to this day.

After high school i packed all my things and decided to move to LA. The day i was leaving I told my mom " I'm going to tell you something, your reaction will effect our relationship forever, I'm gay I've known since i was young and i haven't told you until this point because when we were younger you said something to me and my brothers, you said none of you better ever turn out to be gay, and that really effected me for a while now, but I'm telling you now I'm gay and if you support me we will still be close and nothing will change but if you have a problem with it i know our relationship will have a big void in it from now on" my mom started crying and said shes sorry she ever said that comment and that she loves me no matter what." After that moment i came out to my friends and got nothing but great positive reactions. Now years later my mom is someone i talk to about all my relationships all my dates everything she is so supportive and amazing i never knew how much coming out really affected my life until i sat down and thought about it. I recently read a really great book called "Prayers for Bobby" and it really changed my life. For anyone no matter what age my advice for you is to come out and never look back...

Coming Out Stories: Marie

As I mentioned about a week ago, this Sunday, October 11 is National Coming Out Day. I know that people stay in the closet or come out for a variety of reasons and a variety of ways and I believe it's important to honor people's decisions about when they are truly ready. This blog has a policy of not outing anyone unless they say it's okay. That being said, it is important we tell our stories and let those who matter to us know and see our true selves.

Conversations from the Heart is the theme of this National Coming Out Day and I hope that these stories, from local friends of the Fruit, help heal, help open up hearts and minds and help us feel a little more connected. I'll be sharing stories all weekend. A special thanks goes to those who took the time to contribute.

Without further ado, here's Marie's story:


photo by M J M

Let’s see…coming out…Coming Out

That reminds me of something…

Hmm…what are the words to that song…?

You know, one of those “gay anthems”…oh - that’s right!

I’m coming out

I want the world to know

Yeah. There’s the rub. The world. Coming out is a never-ending process. Every time we begin a new relationship – a new job, school, social group, whatever - we must come out again.

I realize I have been coming out my whole life, at first unaware of the fact that I was in a closet that I had to come out of. The closet wasn’t of my making. I never realized what a queer little girl I was. “But didn’t all girls…”. “Uh, no honey. They didn’t…” “But everyone - ”. “No.” People around me saw the clear signs of my path - my Coming Out - and they ushered me into the closet to stop me from getting to where I needed to be.

Looking back, I can see the road that led to where I am today. I can mark the legs of my journey by the queer milestones…

Mile 1

I’m about five. I love my Tio Pumpkin Puss (So named because of his ability to turn into a woman after midnight. His friends caught him in the closet - literally, in his closet! - in drag) and my Nino, troubled and bisexual (enough to piss off people who thought he should pick a side). I loved them more than I loved my flesh and blood uncles. I will always see them as queer icons in my life. Even at that age, I seemed to have an affinity for queer men.

My little heart is hurt, missing them when they are no longer around. I lost them to the “growth” of my parents’ married life. Not quite the right kind of friends for a young family.

Mile 2

I wish I were an Amazon living on Themyscira – Paradise Island, bitches! - the home of Wonder Woman. I read every Greek and Roman myth I can to find a female warrior idol. We play Samurais like in the Kung Fu movies in our dresses and ridiculously delicate patent Mary Janes (which I loved), backyard wrestling at grandma’s house. I see now that I’ve spent most of my life as a boy in a dress.

I meet Lynn, new girl in school. Everyone thinks she’s a boy. She has a short natural that’s more curl than afro; it’s the same color as her beautiful golden brown complexion; tall and thin, shy and scared, low, deep voice. I find a new best friend. My sister and I fight with boys on the playground cause they think we act too tough. We punch the boys who chase us pulling our hair. I don’t give a damn if it’s cause “they only tease you because they like you”. I move away, letters for a few months; then her family goes overseas.

Mile 3

I draw warrior princes with pretty faces and girls in fairy tale dresses. Reading the stash of Alpha Flight, New Mutant, and Teen Titans comics (screw that Richie Rich crap) my dad found has opened my world. Sex, bulging muscle men in tights, naked girls, and skimpy outfits: cool!

I sit next to Daniel in English (I don’t know that he was gay….but I have my suspicions…). He’s dramatic, effeminate, bubbly. We share a love of fashion design. He tells me all about Dynasty and the reproductions of Joan Collin’s dresses he makes for his Cabbage Patch dolls. I hope I’ve found a life long friend. Never saw him the next year. I still miss him when I think of my childhood. Wish I knew how he is.

Mile 4

I love the editorials in Cosmo and Vogue; I pour over the magazines - a benefit of my mother working in a beauty salon. I wish I looked that beautiful even as I wish I could have girls this beautiful – not exactly sure of how or why I want them, but I do. I study them carefully, cutting out pictures to keep, while continuing to perfect my technique, drawing perfect bodies. My portfolio grows, filled with the pretty warrior men I’ve created in my mind and models I’ve seen in haute couture or nude turned into my superhero fantasies. I’m twelve.

Mile 5

We exercise and weight lift with my dad. We’re small so he worries about us. It does not help that I’m a nerd girl with a smart mouth. I wish I were stronger, bigger, taller, tougher. Not feeling like a girl or a boy, wishing I was both…I still do…. Maybe I could be a hermaphrodite, like in the mythology I loved so much. I’m sure this would be ideal. Saw a gorgeous intersex person on Phil Donahue who discussed their experiences growing up. A bodybuilding doctor, oh my.

Proud of my ambiguous appearance, feeling bad cause dad thinks I’m ugly. He hates my short, boyish hair, my funky unisex, new wave clothes. “Do you think you look pretty like that? You look like a f@*king boy!” Causing confusion everywhere with my androgynous looks. Maybe I should just give in and try to be a pretty girl.

Mile 6

I still draw fantasy women, muscle bound winged bitches with evil eyes or my own face. I wonder why people think I’m a lesbian just because I draw naked women.

Still don’t feel like a girl, but trying to be; not making it. I wear vintage 60s and 70s clothes when it’s not cool. I often use the word “person” instead of boy or girl, man or woman; one of my male friends laughs about this habit, thinking it sounds odd.

I go to a Latina Conference at Solano Community College in my new girlie clothes and a queer Latina (first butch girl I have ever seen), maybe a real grown up college girl, stares at me and whispers to her friends throughout the whole day. Handsome girl, looking like a boy, new wave style, sport coat and glasses, vans – it was 1990, dammit! I’m flattered and scared at the same time. I still wish I’d talked to her. Too many of my “friends”/ family there to deal with…

Mile 7

A hot football player notices me and we become friends. He flirts with me shamelessly. I love his well-developed pecs, which he shows off by flexing them, wearing a tank top under an unbuttoned flannel. I’m also friends with his best friend, which helps his cause because he scares me. I’m leery cause he’s fast and popular; flattered that he thinks I’m pretty, likes smart girls with glasses. I find out years later he has amazing gaydar for a straight man. He always knows the queer girls…

Senior year in high school. A girl in boys’ clothes again. People are confused. Is that boy with the long hair and tight jeans wearing lipstick? Not having tits really doesn’t help. I’m more comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been. I like looking like a pretty boy in my t-shirts, straight leg jeans, and hiking boots, eyeliner and brick red lipstick, shoulder length wavy black hair.

The football player comes back in a Marine Corp uniform and asks me to marry him. One night, after about six months of marriage, he asks me “do you think you could wear a dress once in a while?”. I begin to dress like a girl again. I like it. I try my best to dress like the models I admire in the mags or girls in rap videos, even though I’m short and not too pretty.

Mile 8

He says, “you like girls don’t you”. Not a real question. And I realize I do. It was just there waiting to be acknowledged. Twenty years and this man starts me on a path to self-awareness with one stated question.

I experiment with women, learning about myself and my relationship with my husband. Fearful of approaching women; so much harder since I’m married. Worried about how people perceive me - and my husband, whom I love.

Still in the gym, striving for a body builder’s bod. More and more boyish acting as time goes on, still dressing like a fashion plate. A boy in dresses and makeup. Again. A bi woman who doesn’t completely feel like a woman married to a straight man that doesn’t completely get my need to blur gender lines, though he tries.

Mile 9

Bi seems to define everything about me. Half gay, half straight. Half feminine, half masculine. Half Mexican, half white – well, more like ¾ Mexican, ¼ white, but still. Everything about me comes in twos. I am, but I’m not. I am not, but I am…Always feeling I have to justify why I think I can claim to be…

Bisexuality is something to hide from everyone except those with whom I can share sexual info. Who the Hell decided to put “sexuality” in the name anyway?

Tired of hypocrites who think it’s cool women are bi but think all men who like men are fags. F#&k you! I might as well be part fag, too.

Mile 10

Must come out to new friends on a retreat. They’re all baring their souls. Damn, there’s a lot of queers in this group! Can’t bear to sit quietly through their angst; knowing my admission might make them feel more comfortable. I know I will feel like a liar by being silent. I want these people in my life for a long time. That means risking…by being real…in relationships…

I have friends to talk to about this shit. Not just potential hook ups who have no interest in my life – or me in theirs, to be fair.

I’m hurt every time someone jokes about fags or dykes, especially if they know I’m queer…

I realize that I get “yes, sir” on the phone a lot because of my tone of voice. But I often soften my voice and try to sound more feminine, act timid when I want something; sounding more girlish when I ask for or state what I want face to face. It disgusts me that I could try to use feminine whiles to get what I want. Me!?! Feminine whiles! I try to break this habit. It’s really hard. I still sometimes fail.

I’m just beginning to own myself.

I share my love of/ attraction to gender-benders, drag queens, transsexuals, and the intersex with my friends. For the most part, they do not understand… I fear – I know - that people are judging me to be indiscriminate…easy.

Mile 11

My friend accusingly tells me I’m “a gay man in a woman’s body”. I think she might be right…

I fight this “sexuality” bullshit. Is that all you haters think the shouting, fighting, worrying, wanting is about? Sex? Is that why I dream of not having to rehearse my words in my head, censoring, before I speak aloud? Is that why I would like to go out to a romantic dinner with my girlfriend and my husband? Is that why I fear for my friends or wish they could get married?

I try to explain to my husband that I would love him regardless of his “gender” or “sex”. I don’t care what he’s got going on between his legs or how tough or masculine he seems. I love a person who happens to be a straight male. He could be any member of the LGBTQI. It hurts that nobody seems to understand the feeling.

I joke with a friend about having a symbol of my sexuality tattooed on my forehead. But I’m kind of serious. People have been visibly branded for many reasons. Maybe I need to brand myself; embrace a symbol of my “deviation”. Mark myself for the world to see. I’m willing to advertise my feelings, my needs. I’ll let everyone judge me. I’m not ashamed.

Mile 12
I fear what my husband is going to say about all the coming out, blogging, discussing, informing family, friends, and acquaintances. I’m careful that it doesn’t touch the lives of his friends and family. It hurts, but I understand. Don’t want to hurt him, trying to be true to myself; again broken into halves.

I really have designed my tattoo – no, silly; for my wrist. Have to pick an artist to ink it. I’ll use this symbol as a conversation starter. I’ll come out to the world - again; one person at a time. What does that symbol mean? Oh, it’s a symbol of my…

Pansexuality! Thought you knew what I was gonna say, huh?

Coming out has been a long, winding road with people on both sides trying to usher me into a closet or stuff me into a niche, trying to define me; warning me of the folly of my ways or questioning me – my feelings, my needs, my words.

I’ve measured my journey, for the most part, after the fact: I had no awareness of my sexuality. I envied boys. I liked boys; I envied girls. I liked boys – and girls too. I put a name to it: I was bisexual; I could fall in love with a man or a woman.

Now I’m the mistress of my path. I plan my course. Now I know. I am a boyish woman. I am a Pansexual; I could fall in love with anyone in the LGBTQI. I choose to give my love based on who people are and how they make me feel, not what gender or sex they seem to be.

Mile 13

To be continued…

~ marie

Someone desperately needs to hear your story: National Coming Out Day is Oct 11

Even if you've never commented on here before, please take a moment to send me your story. Lesbian, gay, bi, trans or questioning, there's a reader of this blog who desperately needs to hear your story.

October 11 is National Coming Out day, and this year's theme is "Conversations From the Heart". It's my belief that "conversations from the heart" are really what change the world...and it's hard work! One person at a time, for sure.

Please, PLEASE! Send in your coming out stories to this blog (via email is fine). I want to share them on the blog throughout the beginning of October and especially for National Coming Out Day. If you read this blog, please take a moment to talk about how it was to come out or how it is to be out in this community. And, if you're not yet out, please write in about how the process of coming out to yourself was/is.

I grew up in Napa and (didn't know it yet but) was yearned for positive examples of what it might mean to be a part of Napa and to not be straight. My coming out process was only possible because of courageous people who shared their story with me as I was older.

And a note: I'm a big believer in keeping this blog and community a safe place. I won't out anyone without permission and I won't share your name or email unless you tell me to. But please share your story.

Napa Valley Pride on the radio w/ Kellie in the morning

Not sure how many of ya'll listen to Kellie in the Morning on local radio (Weekday Mornings on 1440 KVON AM & 99.3 THE VINE FM, 6 to 9am), but reports are that it's a favorite of many a Napan. Our Napa Valley Pride 2009 festivities are lucky enough to have Kellie as our honorary Grand Marshall for the Pride Picnic and Sidewalk Pride Walk on Saturday morning, and she's been fulfilling her role fabulously. Even the radio station is in on helping us promote our community and events!

Tuesday morning's show featured a six-some of locals talking queer and personal with Kellie. Click the links to download or stream the clips. Thanks to Kellie and Rob from the radio station for sharing...and for the station for inviting local LGBT folk and allies to share their stories. Thank you to the locals for sharing themselves and hopefully, ultimately, opening hearts and minds:

• Rick Turko, Carol & Deb
• Paul Boisvert
• Rick Turko & Mark Vogler
• Hayley Hibbs

My son has a secret girlfriend (FAIL)

Poor Bethany. I'd make more snide comments, but heck, it took me until I was 27 to even admit to myself I was gay. Gotta love the FailBlog (thanks to Faustus for the heads up).

Prayers for Bobby, your thoughts & on YouTube

Not sure what you were up to Saturday night, but "Prayers for Bobby" the "Red Carpet Premier Lifetime Event" aired. True to Lifetime's formula, it was both slightly sappy but also heartwrenching and sweet. If you did catch it, what did you think? Joe predicts a surge in PFLAG membership and admits shedding tears.

The local connection? It's based on a true story and Bobby and his family are from Walnut Creek, CA.

If you didn't catch it, it's airing again on the channel tonight (set your Tivos) and, lucky for us (for the moment), it's on YouTube:

Here's clip one, embedded on our site:


Thanks to (and visit) GoodAsYou for the heads up and the full movie.

"Does your family know you've rejected The Church's teachings?"

So, I knew stopping by Saturday's rally and protest wouldn't be "problem free", what with growing up here in town and having lots of my family, friends, old coworkers, classmates and fellow parishioners all over the Valley and City of Napa. Busy intersection, lots of visibility, hot topic, hometown: something was bound to happen. And it did.

Of course, I "survived", but managed to take it very personal in the process.

Someone I know from church--not a friend, mind you, but someone from the more conservative part of my Catholic Parish--saw me when I was making my "picket" rounds on the Jefferson sidewalk and waved hello to me, suspiciously. He was with the Yes on 8 crew. I, of course, was holding a No on 8 sign.

He casually asked me if I had left the Church. I responded no. He then asked me a follow up, "So you just reject the Church's teachings?" "No." I responded again, flatly, and taken back by his forwardness. By then a friend stepped in and pulled me back into the picket line and we walked away (my friend of course, chanting loudly and spitefully, "No on 8! No on 8!", just to make a point.).

Later, when we were taking a break from the picket loop, that judgmental man walked over to me again and mentioned how he was seriously concerned for my soul and my spiritual well being. I told him that I was fine and doing well with God. He then continued to accuse me of multiple things--of rejecting the Truth of the Church, of rejecting the Bishops' teachings, of needing to improve my morality, and worse: that he knows and cares about my family and what would they think if they knew I was out there? It came out like a threat. I was flabbergasted. Was he trying to say he was going to out me to my family as an attack?

I don't want to recount my full response here, but I was a whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, fears and arguments. Since the beginnings of my acceptance of my gay self a little over 3 years ago, I knew that the most healing and holy thing for me to do was to find a way to love myself as a Catholic and love myself as a gay man. I grew up in and loved so much about the Catholic Church, and yet much of the rejection and judgment I felt in my fear of coming out in the first place was from that very same Church. In spite of the strong and innate spirituality that are at the heart of many of my queer brothers and sisters (I really do feel that a strong spiritual sense is a gift of homosexuality), many will probably not understand why I even want to maintain my Catholicity. In fact, many queer people--due to the rejection, judgment and isolation taught by the Church--say you can't be gay and Catholic. Many Catholics (or Christians) demand that you can't be truly Christian and gay. I think the truth is in neither of those statements and that I can be whomever I truly am--which, for me, is Catholic and gay.

However, all I could communicate in the moment of being in front of my accuser was that I believe most of all that God is about love and based on that, we should not write discrimination into our State's constitution. Still shellshocked, I listened respectfully to his further accusations and continually hoped he was listening to what I had to say. I knew if I flipped out it would not help him hear me any better. In the end, I am pretty sure he didn't want to hear me or know me at all.

Like I said, I was expecting something to happen, and it could have been worse. I went on Saturday to stand as a witness that my relationship with God and my identity as a gay man--my belief in God's love as greater than any restrictions that churches or humans place on it--can exist fully and gloriously intermingled. I went on Saturday for all those who are too complacent, too lazy or too afraid to stand up for themselves or their loved ones. I hope you will stand with me, because I can't do this alone.

Thank you to my friends and family who are with me daily.

Fresno Priest comes out: as gay man & against Prop 8

Photo by Francine Orr / Los Angeles Times

You may have heard already about this courageous Catholic Priest in Fresno who, after receiving a letter from his Bishop to preach about "saving traditional marriage" decided instead to give his Sunday homily on why he could only recommend a no vote on Proposition 8, and then in a later TV interview came out publicly as a gay man.

Sadly, and of course, he was removed from his position as Pastor at St. Paul/Newman Center in Fresno.

With Proposition 8 on the November ballot, and his own bishop urging Central Valley priests to support its definition of traditional marriage, Farrow told congregants he felt obligated to break "a numbing silence" about church prejudice against homosexuals.

"How is marriage protected by intimidating gay and lesbian people into loveless and lonely lives?" he asked parishioners of the St. Paul Newman Center. "I am morally compelled to vote no on Proposition 8."

Then Farrow -- who had revealed that he was gay during a television interview immediately before Mass -- added a coda to his sermon.

"I know these words of truth will cost me dearly," he said. "But to withhold them . . . I would become an accomplice to a moral evil that strips gay and lesbian people not only of their civil rights but of their human dignity as well." [LATimes]

Father Farrow maintains a blog where you can stay up to date on his latest writings about his experience and also on his status with the Church.

As a long time and faithful Catholic, his writings resonate with me personally.

You can be a good and faithful Catholic and vote NO on Proposition 8.

Many priests, nuns and ordinary Catholics will vote NO on Proposition 8 because they believe that taking away civil rights from same sex couples is wrong and strips them not only of civil rights but, also of basic human dignity. I know this because they have expressed this to me directly. Many pastors simply refuse to say anything at all on the subject publicly. Most of my brother priests try to help Catholic same sex couples in the same fashion that they help Catholic heterosexual couples who use contraception or, who have divorced and remarried. We try to assist these souls in the confessional and in counseling sessions. We attempt to humanize what can otherwise be impossibly rigid doctrines that crush people or drive them away from the community of faith.

As an elderly Pastor once told me: “We are not technicians, we work with human lives”. People are not statistics, they are not a political issue, they are human beings. Initially, I too simply decided to remain silent. But then, more and more people came to me and asked for guidance on this issue. At the same time, the Diocese became more and more vocal in its support for Proposition 8 and began to organize lay people to vote yes on 8.

When I was asked to promote my congregation to vote yes on Proposition 8 I was placed in a position of having to choose between my position and the spiritual and emotional well being of those who I was called to serve. Theologians such as, St. Thomas Aquinas have taught of the primacy of one’s personal conscience because on the day that you die it will be your conscience that either acquits or condemns you before God.

In good conscience, I cannot place an impossibly heavy load on the backs of those entrusted to my pastoral care and leave them to fend for themselves as best they can. The cost of this would be abandonment of faith, possibly of God. It would probably contribute to isolation, depression and possible despair or, worse (especially for young people). I gave them the advice that most of them would receive privately from most priests, I simply did it openly at the end of Sunday Mass from the pulpit. [FGF Blogspot]

I give my props to you, Father Geoff, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can only imagine what you must be going through...and thank you for your brave example.

Also, here's More from the Fresno news channel.

How was your "Coming Out Day"

Loved this clip from last year's coming out day:


<span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">Youtube clip of one woman's experience of Coming Out Day embedded on the site.</span></span>

I agree that coming out is not just a one time thing...

So how is it for you?

Who you coming out to this Saturday?

photo by nataliej

Just a reminder that this Saturday, in addition to being the17th Napa Valley AIDS Walk (want to donate, via me?) , is National Coming Out Day! (Yes, we originally gave you the heads up about a month ago...)

Whether it's for the first time...or the first time today...who are you coming out to? Many of you have said you're already out to close friends and family or that you'll tell anyone who asks...it doesn't matter if you're lesbian, gay, straight, bi, questioning or whatever other form of queer or you're not really sure--even and especially if you are a straight ally--the thing is to talk about it with people. Coming out is healing, it's political and it opens the doors for others who won't even think about it.

Best-selling gospel singer, Ray Boltz comes out

Let's wish him well: another big-time Christian musician came out--something powerful and, I imagine, not easy to do with the circles he runs in. I can relate to much of what he says, myself not coming out until 3 years ago. Hopefully people just don't write him off as "another person ruined by the devil" or who knows what they'll think (maybe that's my own fears talking). My hope and wish is that when high profile Christians come out that it can be healing and something that bridges divides. If they loved him before, I hope it continues

Via the blogosphere:

“I’d denied it ever since I was a kid. I became a Christian, I thought that was the way to deal with this and I prayed hard and tried for 30-some years and then at the end, I was just going, ‘I’m still gay. I know I am.’ And I just got to the place where I couldn’t take it anymore … when I was going through all this darkness, I thought, ‘Just end this.’” Best-selling gospel singer Ray Boltz, coming out after 33 years of hetero marriage.

Boltz, with about 4.5 million LPs, cassettes and CDs sold, never made a splash outside of Christian circles but he never really tried. With a handful of RIAA Gold-certified albums, three Dove Awards from the Gospel Music Association (GMA) and a string of 12 No. 1 hits on Christian radio, Boltz is a household name in evangelical circles. “Thank You,” a sentimental song about a dream in which a Christian thanks the Sunday school teacher who led him to embrace Christ, is his signature song. It was the GMA song of the year in 1990 and has become a staple of Christian funerals. Other Boltz trademarks are “Watch the Lamb,” “The Anchor Holds” and “I Pledge Allegiance to the Lamb.”

Boltz' ex-wife is supportive and has joined the gay religious advocacy group Soulforce.

Subscribe. [Joe.My.God]

Come on out on October 11

October 11 is National Coming Out Day.

This day coincides with the National Marches on Washington, D.C. for Lesbian and Gay Rights held (and the unveiling of the AIDS Memorial Quilt) on October in 1987 & 1988 and has been held every year (except 2001, after the September terrorist attacks on the United States) since founded in 1988. In spite of being called "National", this day is observed by lesbian, gay, bi,queer, questioning folk and our allies in many countries.

<span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">HRC's "Coming Out Day" overview is embedded on the site.</span></span>

Coming out for me (and, I'd guess many) is a continual process that isn't "done". I'll write more about my own experience soon, but wanted to make sure all our people knew the day was coming. October 11, 2008 is also the day of AIDS Walk Napa Valley.

I've been reading lately about how the queer movement seems to be losing a little steam and to some--especially around this year's election--is having much less of an impact in politics. Coming out to me is a very powerful political, cultural and personal act. It's a big start and I think we need to be careful we don't become complacent or indifferent. We're lucky we live in the Bay Area, but it isn't all blind acceptance here either.

• The Valley's Other Fruit's original blog entry on outing people
  
• HRC's Coming Out Resources
• About.com's guide to Coming Out

Who has been hardest? Easiest? Most important for you to come out to?

Not an outing we should go on

As this blog becomes more and more popular and accessible, I want to do my best to make sure that everyone understands that building community cannot happen without also building trust and respect. For the queer community this often has to do with respecting people's right to "come out" on their own terms.

From personal experience, I am suggesting that this is even more important in the Napa Valley, where our small-town vibe also creates a reality of many being connected either by family, friends or gossip.

In whichever ways you might be connected to us and our gay community, please keep in mind that everyone is at a different stage in self-acceptance and willingness to share information about their sexuality and orientation. Please do not make assumptions about how open someone might be...

From HRC's "Straight Guide to LGBT Americans":

"Outing" someone is "Exposing [their] sexual orientation as being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender to others, usually without their permission; in essence 'outing' them from the closet."

"Most GLBT people prefer to come out in their own ways and in their own time. 'Outing' takes the decision-making out of the individual’s hands, which can be painful and awkward for everyone involved."

Please help us to make the Napa Valley (and our blog) a safe and welcoming place for all who are here with us. Let us build relationships and a community built on trust and mutual respect. As exciting as it might be to learn of more and other gay people in the valley, please respect people's right to disclose their sexual orientation on their own terms. In other words, ask them before you pass on the word.

Coming out as gay and Christian

As I mentioned in another post, one of the reasons I think that building a gay community in Napa is so important is because I grew up here and don't feel that Napa is a very open or tolerant town (in general).

Coming out--to people who love and care about us or to anyone willing to know our whole selves instead of just our queer identity--can change people's view of what "a gay person" looks or acts like.

One of the blogs I follow online, "Independent Gay Forum" which reports on conservative or "other side of the spectrum" gay news (think log-cabin republicans) posted about:

Azariah Southworth, host of the popular syndicated Christian youth show "The Remix", has publicly announced he is gay. [IGF]

I am not sure about how many of The Other Fruit's readers are queer and Christian (or queer and practicing any traditional faith), but as one who has struggled with bringing together my own faith and identity as a gay man, my thoughts, prayers and best wishes go out to him, his family and friends. So much pain has been caused by stereotypes, judgment and division. Maybe more importantly, I hope that his being true to himself helps to open up the hearts and minds of those that watch his Christian TV show. I also hope that our gay community be more open to faith and spirituality and find a healthy blend of the two.

Come out, come out wherever you are?

In spite of Napa's food/wine/arts scene, there isn't (in my experience) many outwardly gay parts or things to do in the valley. That's what got me doing this blog. I was curious, though, about people's day-to-day lives. Being that I just came out myself to close friends and family beginning 3 years ago (better late than never, right?), I wanted to know how out are you?