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Thursday, April 2, 2009

New "columnist" comes to the Fruit: You decide author's fate

Okay dear readers. Here's the deal. I want to spice up The Valley's Other Fruit and I have more than a handful of ideas and a willing guest writer. I'm gonna throw my ideas at you and let you decide. But first, I'd like to introduce this new guest writer, because you should get to know him before you decide his fate on The Fruit:
1. Were there any earlier signs about your inner homo?
Well, it may have been when I got my first Barbie doll... or it may have been sooner than that. But I'm pretty sure the Barbie thing was a big indicator. I always loved doing her hair and changing her outfits... I'm pretty sure I have her to thank for my style. Barbie and my mom. When I was a baby, people always used to tell my mom that she had such a cute little girl. Even though I was dressed like a boy, they would think I was a girl. Probably because I was so damn gorgeous or something. But hey, beauty is beauty, and I sure owned that shit even when I was too little to strike a pose.

2. Obviously you're fabulous (otherwise you wouldn't be guest writing on The Valley's Other Fruit), explain to our readers what makes you so fab.
Hmm, where do I begin? There's just so many things to mention... It could be the hair (that's almost always worthy of envy), it could be the fashion sense (which is impeccable, if I do say so myself), or it could just be my overall amazing personality. But I think the thing that just pulls it all together is my wonderful sense of rythym and delectable dance moves.

3. Perez or D-Listed?
D-LISTED! Hands down! I must admit... I've never really read Perez Hilton, but damn, he gets on my last nerve! He's just soooo annoying, and just too effing bitchy for my taste. Now Dlisted, I could read that shit every single day and never get bored. And he doesn't need to draw penises on celebrities' faces in order to be funny.

4. Boxers or briefs?
What about boxer briefs? I think those are the hottest. Especially if that's all a guy is wearing... Or even a jock strap every now and then. But I definitely prefer a boxer brief because they can show off what you're workin' with, but still got that coverage. ;]

5. Team Heidi or Lauren?
I LOVE LAUREN! My roommate and I would talk about how we should move down to LA so that way she could have some friends who wouldn't stab her in the back. I can't stand Heidi. OR SPENCER. He ruined her. And a lot of other people around him. His douche-ness seems to be contaigous. My supervisor at work even calls me LC (like they used to call her on Laguna Beach). I could totally be there to support Lauren through all of the drama. They could use a good gay on that show. It could be a new angle on everything! But I think I might be too good for just a supporting role on The Hills... so I would have my own spin-off, and they could call it NV. The world NEEDS a gay reality show! It would be amazing!

6. Hottest Crush?
Are we talking celebrity or real life? Hmm, for celebrity crushes I think I would say Channing Tatum... or maybe Pitbull! I would have his babies in a HOT second! I wouldn't even think twice. I mean, I know I can't actually HAVE his babies, but we could try. Over and over and over... =] And if we are talking real life... well, I wouldn't be able to say because he's a customer, and I'm not one to bust myself out. But let me just say this much: if he wanted to make a deposit right there in the bank (if you know what I mean) I would hop over that counter and - wait, is that too much information?

7. Who from history would you go on a date with? Where would you go on your date?
Someone from history... maybe Elvis? I totally dig the whole pompador/rock n roll look. But Elvis in his early years, not the fat ones. I think I would want to go some place really high profile... now would our date be in 2009? Or back in the day when he was still alive? Because I don't know CRAP about where was really popular to go back then, but if we were dating now, we would totally go to The Ivy in LA and then we would go to his pad in New York to party all night (via his private jet, of course).

8. Best place to check out (I said CHECK OUT not CRUISE) gays in Napa?
Well, if you're not looking for local gays, I would say the outlets on a weekend. When all the international gays are out. Usually, though, they are with their partners, so that can tend to get in the way. But if you're looking for local gays, you could always go to Oxbow. At least, that's where I got checked out today, hahaha. AND DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE YOU LOOKING!

9. You're going to be writing a column. Why should we listen to you?
Well, I'm super smart. I'm a great listener, and I'm one of the main go-to's when my friends need advice; so I might as well spread the knowledge and love to gays all over the place!

10. Best day of your life so far?
I've had a lot of good days in my life... some of the most memorable/best ones are the ones I've just spent with friends doing things that we love to do best: host wild orgies sponsored by JUST KIDDING! Maybe when I went to Maui on my company's dime, or seeing Christina Aguilera on her Back to Basics tour. Lots of different memories in my life add up to pretty great times.

11. You have three wishes, go:
1. A never ending supply of money so I'll never have to stay in another Saturday night ever again *ahem*
2. Eternal happiness
3. A contract with Diesel clothing company that would include free clothing for the rest of my life and my pick of any of the Diesel models. =]
Okay, so that's him, nice to meet you! Now for his Fruity destiny. If he were to be writing on The Valley's Other Fruit, what would be the best to hear from him?


  1. Variety is the spice of life. Go with your strengths. We all need a good laugh every now and then, but camp can get old, and there are serious things to address as well, so maybe a bit of anything and everything. Don't let the structure stifle your creativity.

  2. I agree with equalnotspecial. I think that variety is good. Be different, be yourself